Feeding my demons

I spend most of my time trying to keep my cool, seeming unpertubable. I look undazzled by the world around me, the circumstances of my daily life. I just stay calm. Time was, when I even made a list of emotions I never wanted to express; regret, fear, sadness, grief…those kind of feelings. That is not to say that I would not experience them, for that in have little power over, but that I would not express them, there I have more control.
And so I went along, making conscious effort to not show despair, fear, anger, sadness. These and every other similar emotion I packed in a box. I would have loved to throw the box into the deep blue sea, but I would be throwing away a part of me. Whether I like it or not my emotions, good or bad are a part of me. So I kept the box in a corner not too far away.
It feels good, to live life with no feelings of resentment, guilt, fear,… For one I feel lighter, better and less stressed. However, every now and then, in the company of my shadows, I return to this box, a very vital part of me to face my demons, I immerse myself in them. I live in them. I feel the effect of every single one of them. It’s like a ritual I perform. It like the prize for all those days of happiness, and joy and lightheartedness. I feed my demons and nurture them. They grow as I grow.

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